(My new GB suit, a picture of a very proud moment right?! )
So the last 6-8 weeks have been such a rollercoaster of emotions, I’ve felt exhausted, on top of the world, excited, nervous, fatigued, self doubt, confident so many! I now feel a little bit like I’ve been spat out at the other end and with that I have been suffering a lot the last week with anxiety, for no other apparent reason, my life couldn’t be any better right now, I am in a loving caring relationship, business is going well, training is going well, race season has been incredible so far and financially things are good as well. I suffered a lot with anxiety in some of my previous jobs (due to being unhappy) and used to take herbal tablets which would really help take the edge off but I don’t want to resort to them this time, I want to get to the bottom of why I feel like this. Maybe it really is just down to the highs and lows of the race season so far and my body recovering from that, but who knows.
I had ordered a new GB trisuit for the world championships in August as I will be racing under my maiden name and with my new sponsors, my previous one was also a bit big as I have lost a bit of weight since then. As previously written about I have always struggled with my weight, I yo-yo a lot and comfort eat especially when feeling a little low or stressed although I seem to have this under control now more than I ever have previously. Unfortunately the last week or two I have found myself eating a lot more sugary treats, maybe this could be related to my heighten anxiety levels who knows? Anyway my new suit arrived, it looks fantastic! My dad always said he would have loved to see me racing in a suit with Williams on it (my maiden name), so at an early Father’s Day meal I unveiled it to him and his reaction was priceless, it was completely worth it to see his face, he was so proud, I can’t wait to actually race in it now! I asked Ian (my boyfriend) to take some pictures for me (one above) and when I saw them I hated them, I look awful, all I can see is my skin hanging out the suit and it makes me feel sick at the thought that I have to race in this suit in a few weeks time! I really try and be positive about my body, I really have come so far, have lost a lot of weight and my god, my body is incredible with what it has achieved especially this year alone yet in these pictures, when I should be looking proudly and inspired upon them, why am I body shaming myself again?! I hate that I do this to myself. When I look at myself in the mirror all I see is the big girl still, I find it hard to visualise myself as a slim person. I even still have my clothes from when I was a size 16 and still wear them even though I am now a size 10, they hang off me! I am typing this and thinking how ridiculous this is as I know I will never go back to that weight and size, I know the clothes look daft on me now, but I can’t let go, I need to let go, I need to throw the clothes out and buy some that are actually my size, but why won’t I?
(Pictures of me before I lost my weight and did triathlon)
I haven’t felt like this in a long time and I am putting it down to these anxiety attacks I seem to have been experiencing as, like I say I am normally very positive about my body and what it has achieved etc, it’s what my business is now based on! I have another race coming up this weekend, it’s a sprint world championship qualifying race for Canada next year which we are keeping everything crossed for. After that we have a good 7 week break before the next race so we are really looking forward to a mid season break and some down time before ramping the training up for the world championships in Switzerland. I think we both need the down time to let loose a little and gather ourselves up again so I am hoping this will do both my mental and physical health the world of good.
Anyway I am sorry it’s quite a negative post but I just wanted to get it off my chest, which has actually made me feel better and realise a few things!